How to Rebuild and Love Your Relationship After An Affair
After a partner has been unfaithful, it is heart-wrenchingly painful and exceptionally difficult to rebuild trust. It may feel like your whole world has come crashing down. You might be questioning how you could ever move forward with this person after what happened. How could you ever trust them or anyone again? Or how could you be so naive to let this happen? There are so many intense feelings that surface after infidelity. Many people experience feelings of jealousy, resentment, frustration, anger, betrayal, and sadness. Reconstructing a relationship takes tremendous time and effort from both partners in order for the relationship to proceed. Below are tips that can help you navigate infidelity and find a path toward a better future.
If you are looking to talk further about your relationship, feel free to reach out to me to schedule a consultation for couples therapy.
1. All contact with the affair partner needs to end entirely
The person who was unfaithful must put an end to the affair and end all contact with the person they had the affair with. This will ensure more comfort in the relationship and show the other partner that they are willing to make real changes.
2. Be honest and transparent
For the hurt partner to move on, they must be able to have full disclosure about the affair. The person who had the affair should be very open and honest about why the affair happened, what happened, and how the affair occurred. While this often is a very difficult conversation, it is important for the person who cheated to be truthful and transparent to the other partner. This gives room for the partner to possibly forgive and accept the existing situation.
3. Actions speak louder than words
In order for the person who was cheated on to feel more secure, the person who had the affair must show their trust through their actions. Actions must match words. Rebuilding trust comes with consistent time, effort, and reassurance to your partner that you are committed. In order to build back the trust, you may want to give your partner more access to your phone, messages, calendars, or financials while you are building back this piece. While this may seem very invasive, it is often needed while trying to strengthen your relationship, as a temporary fix, not for a long-term plan. The hurt partner may feel a sense of security and comfort knowing their partner is sticking to their word and being transparent. The partner who cheated may feel a bit uneasy due to their lack of privacy, but this can change overtime, as the trust is rebuilt. Both partners must be open to forgiveness and recognize that patience is crucial during this process.
4. Address possible underlying issues
You may be thinking ~ how am I responsible for someone else’s affair? Here’s the thing, there’s no excuse for cheating, but there are ways to improve relationships in all different areas such as intimacy, quality time, communication, and showing appreciation that may reduce the likelihood for cheating to occur. Sometimes people cheat due to their needs not being met and if we address these, it decreases the likelihood of an affair happening.
However, sometimes people will cheat due to underlying issues such as addiction or a possible personality disorder. In certain cases, addressing the unmet needs in the relationship will not work. For example, a narcissistic person may cheat whoever they are with regardless of how their partner behaves or treats them. In these cases, it’s incredibly hard to move forward, and often not fully possible to achieve a balanced and two-way relationship. If there are any mental health concerns that have not been addressed, this must be dealt with FIRST in order for the relationship to function and prosper.
5. Recreate a new relationship
The couple must be willing to give up the parts of the relationship that were not working in order to create a new relationship. It is important for them to be more honest with each other about what they want and need in the relationship, especially if this dialogue was not present before. Sometimes, partners may have held back communicating their needs for various reasons. In my experience, one of the biggest factors is shame. The end goal isn’t for the relationship to be the same, but to find growth, strength, and a new opportunity at love that can be incredibly special!
6. Go to couples therapy
If you are having difficulty navigating a betrayal in your relationship, a couples therapist can be extremely helpful! They can help guide the conversation allowing you both to explore and address your feelings about what happened and how to help you both heal together.
So here’s the hard truth, not all relationships survive infidelity. Not all unfaithful partners are willing to take accountability and not all betrayed partners are able to overcome the pain and heartbreak as a result of their partner’s choices. However, couples who put in the effort to attune, atone, and attach to each other can find healing and a loving relationship again.
For more information on couples therapy, or to schedule a consultation with me, you can contact me by clicking here.
